Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Sunday, June 12, 2016
With all the tragic news lately... and some things going on in my personal life as well, I have this constant reminder in the back of my mind that life is very short, and every moment we spend breathing is precious.
So what I wanted to talk about a little bit in this post is anxiety.
Life is far too short to spend your days in anxiety or worry of what people think of you, it's too short to hold grudges, it's too short to hold onto anger, it's too short to not be forgiving, it's too short to hide yourself away and try to never be vulnerable, it's too short to focus on your past, it's too short to focus on your mistakes or other people's, or your shame, or whatever it may be that is holding you back. It is too short to not be spending every moment possible living and loving to the fullest. It's too short to not spend as many moments as possible smiling and laughing, and enjoying life. It's too short to not chase your passions and your dreams. It's too short to let your hope die.
Knowing these things... and actually applying them to your life are 2 very different things. Applying is much more challenging and never easy.
I am the farthest from perfect that you can get. I am a broken, mess of a person just like any other. I screw up more often than I succeed. But you know what? Most of us, if we are honest with ourselves, feel like we ARE like that. Life is not easy for anyone. We ALL struggle with something.
Not giving up, thats what matters, moving forward in spite of challenges hardships, fears and all the negative things that weigh you down. You are worth something. You do have talents, your beating heart is a reminder that you do have a purpose in this life.
All you can do is try your best, and that is what I'm trying to do. My best may look nothing like your best, we are all different, we all grow and change and learn at different paces and in different ways, that's something that I feel like a lot of people, including myself sometimes, forget.
I am taking every step I can to move forward with my life lately. To better myself... to heal my mind, to heal my body. To live with passion and a purpose, to not put my faith in things that will fall apart and disappoint. But to put my faith back where it always belongs. In God, who has never given up on me, who never will give up on me, and who has taken my mistakes and all my pain and suffering and shame, and everything else, and will use it for good.
It took me literally losing everything that I was clinging to, to understand this. My hope in superficial things, my dreams, my plans, my comfortable life, even my marriage, money, possesions.... my sanity at times too...
I am not ashamed or afraid to admit that over the past few years, I have definitely struggled with depression, self hatred, anxiety, and unstable and suicidal thoughts. I have also been completely and utterly tossed around, broken, and put through an emotional hell by the world over the past few years, as many of you probably have as well.
But God has taken that culmination of brokenness and completely humbled me, shown me how he can turn it around... how he can turn ME around. Change me and make me new again, give me hope. He's shown me that he never gave up on me, even when everything else fell apart. God is still there.
And I'm completely in awe of it. The love and grace that my God has for me and for you is truly astounding. If you only open your mind and your eyes to see it and receive it. It's something that can only be understood by experiencing it... and I hope and pray that everyone that reads this will get the chance at some point in their life to experience and live in the overwhelming love, forgiveness, and grace that God can give you.
I don't have all the answers, I barely have any in fact lol and I definitely don't think I'm better than you or anyone else. I don't expect a lot of you to understand or even care about this and that's ok. All I ask is that you respect my beliefs and my opinon and I will respect yours. :)
If this post helps or encourages even just one person in some way... then it will be more than worth it. ❤
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
And I can promise you guys that this is the most raw and open and honest that you will ever see me get. Because I am at this turning point in my life where literally everything is changing.
Some of it has been extremely difficult... heart wrenching and as someone that struggles tremendously with anxiety and paranoia it has not been easy.
I'm a very open and transparent person in general, so I don't feel the need to hide when I'm struggling. Friends are there for hard times, to have people to lean on and support you. This post is to let those that care about me and those that I have come to care so much about over the past 2 years... how I'm doing, and what I'm going to be doing.
Twitch has made a HUGE impact on my life. And it will always be special to me. I'm not saying that I'm giving up on streaming or I'm disappearing from social media... because I don't know what the future holds right now.
But with everything going on in my life right now I have come to realize that my focus has been in the wrong places for several years...
Everything that has happened has pointed me to one thing. "You're not where you should be, and you're not living out your potential."
And I have accepted that. I've stopped fighting it. I am opening myself up to whatever opportunities that God has for me.
And a big part of that is to stop caring so much about what people think of me, and to stop putting so much of my time and my energy on things that are only going to make that harder for me. I.e. social media.
Like I said I'm not disappearing, I love you all too much to do that, but you won't see me around as much. Please do not see this as abandonment or think that I don't care.
I care about each and every one of you. And I will ALWAYS be here for you if you need someone to talk to or if you merely want to spend some time together and laugh and have fun. I will always be just a message away. Never feel like you'll be a bother, I will always answer when I can, even though some of you already know I can be forgetful when it comes to that. ;)
But I can't spend entire days online, chatting and gaming anymore, it's a waste of precious time and it's distracting me from what I need to be focusing on right now. To heal my mental and physical health, to work on myself, to put the structure back into my life, to figure out what it is that I can do to help people and make a difference in this world.
I am very respectful of the fact that a lot of you don't believe in God and aren't "religious". But something that I've let myself do over the past few years... is HIDE the fact that I do believe in God because I'm afraid of being judged or mocked. Because I know that there are a lot of people out there that try to shove their religion down people's throats. And I promise you I'm not one of those people, most of you already know that I am one of the most open minded people you will ever meet.
However, I'm going to stop being afraid to show my faith. I understand if you have a problem with that, that's completely ok, I will respect your opinion if you will respect mine.
You can call me crazy or fake or whatever you would like... but those of you that really know me, know that I am a very genuine person.
These changes that I'm making in my life are already changing me for the better, and will hopefully continue changing me. Some of you will probably say things like "Wow you're not the same person you were when I first met you." And that will be accurate. My goal is to always be growing and changing in a positive way and part of that is to deal with my bad habits and destructive thinking.
This is not me disappearing, giving up, abandoning... or anything else like that. I am simply choosing to put my time and effort into being closer to God, healing myself and my life, right now, and to do that, I can't keep doing the same things that I've always done.
I hope that you all can be understanding of this, to those of you that aren't all I ask is that you keep your negativity to yourself. I will never shove my beliefs down anyone's throat, but I can promise you that if you ever want to talk about God or my faith, or anything else, than again, I'm only ever a message away.
Friday, March 18, 2016
Saturday, February 6, 2016
To watch the E3 presentation click here.
Check out the official Unravel website here.
Follow the game on twitter here.
Some of the words that struck me the most were, "The way I see it, games are really powerful. They reach so many people, and they have the ability to truly captivate the audience in a way that few other art forms can. As a game maker, that makes me feel a certain responsibility. I don’t want to make games that are just distractions. Time is worth more than that. I want to give players more meaningful experiences instead. Unravel™ was created in that spirit. I wanted to make something more personal, something with more impact. The game didn’t have to change the world, or even try, but it had to be genuine, it had to have a deeper meaning. It had to have heart." That is a direct quote from Martin Sahlin himself. This to me is what gaming is about, it's about having meaningful experiences, with yourself and with your friends, Games are truly a form of Art and I can't stand it when people don't see it that way. The fact that he says "Time is worth more than that." I love that. Your time on this earth is short and precious. Why spend it doing anything else than what makes you happy?
Another thing that struck me with this game is the fact that he came up with the idea on a camping trip with his family. That to me is another amazing reminder that inspiration comes from the people around you that love and care for you and it can come from anywhere at anytime. Yes, there's a lot of messed up people in this world, and there's a lot of cruelty and stupidity. But there are also people out there that are amazing and talented and friendly and loving.
So what do I love about Unravel even though I haven't even played it yet? Everything about it. Everything it stands for. Especially everything that it makes me think about, and feel. Life is hard, but life is also beautiful, and it keeps going, and my friends it is far too short to become bitter and hateful for things that might be out of your control. Keep your heads up <3 and keep moving forward. Love yourselves, and don't ever give up. You can and you will overcome anything that comes your way. <3
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Thursday, November 26, 2015
This year has been one of the toughest years for me, I'm not gonna lie, it's a struggle to find things to be thankful for. But when I pull myself out of my stress loop, and look around me I am thankful for a lot of things.
I'm thankful for Twitch, it has brought me SO many amazing friendships, friends that I consider family, and it has truly been an amazing year of streaming. Would not trade that for the world. I'm thankful for every single one of you that I have met through twitch. <3 It's helped me broaden my knowledge in so many ways, knowledge of gaming, of computers, internet, other countries, taught me how to be a better friend and a better person in general. I love all of you. <3
I'm thankful for my beautiful best friend especially <3 @mrs11209 Could not have made it through this past year without you.
I'm thankful for video games for existing, extra thankful for a great pc to play said games on. That would not be a thing without several of you and your amazing generosity. <3
I'm thankful for my family, I miss them desperately, especially around the holidays... somehow it doesn't even seem like thanksgiving without them... I'm lucky to have an awesome family <3 yes they might drive me insane and get too nosy sometimes :P but that's to be expected. lol I know most of them would be there for me in a heartbeat if I needed them. And that's what counts.
And finally, I'm thankful for the ability to be strong, to heal, to put myself and my happiness first and to move on from things that aren't a positive influence in my life. It may take some time but I've come so far already... I am proud of myself. :)
Hope all of my fellow American friends have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and to all that don't celebrate, be thankful anyways. :) Because life is FAR too short to not appreciate the little things, and the people that mean the world to you.